I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Your cock deserves a montage
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
