i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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