Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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