Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
