I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
