Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
