Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
