you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
