You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
