the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
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Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
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She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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