God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
