As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
