Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
