god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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