I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
