I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
