when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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