So drunk its hurt
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
