Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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