Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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