u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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