dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
