Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
