chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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