Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
