So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
