you inspire me to be a worse person
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
