dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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