theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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