my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
