It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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