I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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