you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
