I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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