i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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