Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
