My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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