Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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