i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
