All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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