No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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