Can i not drive my cunt home
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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