you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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