I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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