Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
