Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
