Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
