I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
