My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
