just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
