we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
