I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
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I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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