My Higher Power is John Stamos
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
