You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
