12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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